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5 Reasons the Worst Jaws Movie Is an Underrated Masterpiece

To most people, Jaws 3 D is a terrible, stupid movie that is easily the lowest point in the Jaws series and arguably one of the worst atrocities mankind has ever visited upon itself that didn’t involve autotune or nuclear fission. It is a movie with exactly zero quality ingredients, and I am sure it owes the majority of its box office receipts to the fact that the average ticket price in July 1983 was $3.15, which is honestly on the low end of what most of us would pay to watch a giant shark eat people in chambray slacks.

However, beneath the dime store special effects and Louis Gossett Jr.’s scowlingly mustached delivery of some of the most ridiculous dialogue in the history of American cinema, Jaws 3 D is secretly a gripping masterwork of psychological horror about a madman thrown headlong into the howling
cheap Michael Kors depths of dangerous insanity and murdering his co workers. It is, in my opinion, the greatest Stanley Kubrick film that Stanley Kubrick didn’t actually make.

First of all, the shark in Jaws 3 D doesn’t just show up and eat people like your grandmother’s Jaws, because that would be ridiculous. No, every death in this movie is a cold, deliberate killing of both body and spirit.

The first victim is a guy who, without question, was voted "Most Likely to Audition for Every Single Cop Show in the ’80s" by his graduating class.

And this is the exact performance he delivered during each of those auditions. over there is maybe 5’11". That’s some precise chewing. The shark would’ve had to sit there for half an hour, carefully peeling the man’s skin off like fried chicken, and only serial killers have that kind
fake Michael Kors of patience.

The resemblance to skinless chicken cannot be overstated or ignored.

The shark doesn’t even eat the body. It leaves the corpse more or less intact to be discovered in the most horrifying way possible by prison smooching a teenage girl:

Later on, an English crocodile hunter type guy tries to defeat the shark, but ends up tumbling into its mouth like a stupid dumbass:

"Balls. I should’ve seen this coming."

But rather than simply bite the man in half with its Truckasaurus teeth or swallow him and be done with it, the shark just lets him sit there and drown as it slowly crushes him to death against the roof of its mouth:

This is seriously like two or three of man’s greatest
Michael Kors outlet fears combined in a single hateful killing.

In one last desperate stroke of hopeless terror, Crocodile Hunter scrambles for a grenade to try to blast them both into merciful oblivion:

But the shark delivers a fatal crushifying squeeze that pulverizes Crocodile Hunter before he is able to pull the pin. And when his ribcage burst, he probably inhaled a lung full of water involuntarily, so he got to enjoy the agony of drowning while his organs liquefied. His dead body then gets paraded around for the remainder of the film, perfectly visible inside the shark’s mouth and frozen in a Black Power salute.

At the end of the movie, the shark corners Louis Gossett Jr. in a flooded control room with two members of his staff his nephew and some random white lady.

It should be clear from their expressions which one of them is about to be killed by a shark.

The shark explodes through the glass wall of the control room like Stone Cold Steve Austin’s entrance video, knocking Random White Lady unconscious and leaving Scared Nephew lost in his own confusion. Fortunately, Lou Gossett’s Lou Gossett powers render him immune to both
cheap Michael kors handbags outlet sharks and drowning, so he perfectly adapts to the split second catastrophe and remains in complete control. However, the shark is closing in on his two employees, and there’s only enough time to save one of them. Like the Jigsaw killer, the shark is forcing Louis to make a horrible choice help his nephew or assist the unconscious woman. Louis chooses to swoop in and rescue Random White Lady and has to watch his nephew get eaten right in front of him as a result.

If you look carefully at that cloud of blood, you can see the chambray slacks I mentioned earlier.

It is a decision that will lay chittering tick eggs in Lou Gossett’s nightmares until the end of his days, and the shark totally did that shit on purpose.

Which, of course, is something a shark wouldn’t do. Which leads into the second point .

4. The Shark Is a Creature That Cannot Possibly Exist

The villainous shark at the
fake Michael kors handbags outlet center of Jaws 3 D is formidable enough to smash its way through an entire amusement park before getting stuck in an underwater DJ booth like a cat with its head in a Pringles can, but the beast’s physical strength isn’t what makes it so terrifying. It’s an animal that confounds both science and nature, like a stack of physical impossibilities somebody stapled together to cheat
cheap Michael Kors outlet on a biology test. The shark is an animal that should not be. You’d need crisis counseling just for making eye contact with it. It’s as if it were ripped from the darkest corners of the human psyche, straight from the oozing puddle of corrosive blackness in everybody’s mind that incubates our greatest fears specifically, the age old fear of being eaten alive by a big ugly fish.

First of all, the shark is 35 feet long, which I think technically makes it a sea monster. We never find out where it came from or why, out of the entirety of the world’s oceans, it suddenly decided to imprison itself within 200 acres of South Florida theme park. It swims backward, which is impossible for fish. It has enormous Jon Heder gums, and it snarls, which is something that an animal without lungs simply cannot do.

It also has some serious meth teeth.

Which means that, in all likelihood, the shark isn’t real.

Think about it the shark is an impossible animal that phases in and out of the water at will like a pirate ghost, slaying people in completely psychotic ways. It might actually be a figment of everyone’s imagination, and in
cheap Michael Kors reality the people of Sea World are succumbing to paranoid homicidal delusions, killing each other and
Michael Kors handbags outlet blaming it on a chimerical shark lord.Articles Connexes:

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RiP is a handsome sartorialist, who has been serenaded by waiters before. He is also sport-mad. RiP likes rugby, but brings his vast knowledge of all sports to bear when talking to the narrower-of-vision i.e. us.